You must be as familiar with this emotional roller coaster as I am, that feeling that no matter what decision you make, it's the wrong one. Staying in one location too long to then not catch the good light in the next or to leave a location too soon to find out you left before the good light showed up. Putting your camera away too soon, not pulling over on the side of the freeway or being afraid that people will think you are crazy. There are an infinite different varieties that this fear will manifest, maybe you are like me or maybe it's just me, but these things are constantly on my mind.
I've done a lot of thinking about this and why I struggle with it to much. I think one thing is that this fear is inherent with the style of shooting I enjoy, the show up and get what you get kind of shooting. So the fear stems from the lack of control that you have over any given situation or location. There have been too many times where my greatest passion has created some of the most stressful moments. This is supposed to calm me and relax me, not make my day worse...
Like I mentioned, I've put a lot of time into thinking about this and it took until earlier this year to really figure out some way to deal with it. Basicly I came up with a mantra, but before I tell you it, I want to share the day I had when I came up with it.
I was on a road trip while I was still living in Colorado, my last road trip in fact. I decided to head up into Wyoming, North and South Dakota, and Nebraska for a long weekend. On the third day I had planned to go to the Badlands National Park and spend the entire day there. I really had no idea what to expect as I didn't do any research before I left.
The Park was around two hours away from where I was staying so I didn't get there until mid morning. The Badlands is absolutely amazing place with such incredible wildlife and scenery. After about 4 or 5 hours of exploring and adventuring (more to come on that in another blog) I headed into the local town for a snack and to see the famous Wall Drug Store. While I was there I discovered on a map hanging that there was an old Cold War nuclear silo that had been decommissioned that I just had to go see.
To my misfortune I overshot the silo location and went to the collective missile visitor center (there were a few different missile sites) and missed my chance to see the silo. you see, they close down the site around three in the afternoon by locking up the gate. I was so incredibly frustrated that I immediately jumped in my truck and headed over there anyway hoping the ranger was misinformed or perhaps catching one of the other rangers there before they locked the gates. Sure enough, when I got there, the site was locked down tight and no one insite to let me in. I was so incredibly bummed, I missed the closing by 15 minutes. After a few minutes of considering breaking in, I captured a few shots and made my way back to the park.
It was during all this time that a huge summer thunderstorm had rolled in and I was only now becoming aware of it. This bummed me out even more. Not only did I miss seeing a nuclear silo, I was about to get rained out and lose my light. I was already to give up and nearly did. I went to a gas station to fuel up to head back home when something came over me. I just thought 'Go with it'. Instead of getting back onto the freeway, I headed back to the Badlands.
As I did, the storm broke right over the park. While most people were leaving with the oncoming storm, I was heading back in and it was the best decision of the day. I stopped at a high overlook and fought the wind to make it down to a great vista of the Pinnacles. I had never seen a storm roll in so fast and break directly overhead. I was enamored and amazed.. then the lightning stated directly overhead. I was in the exact right place at the exact right time. To say the least my day wasn't ruined at all by missing the Silo, in fact missing it put me exactly where I needed to be to capture the lighting in the Badlands.
So what did I learn from all of this? I think I finally got that I needed to let go of the illusion that I'm in control and just go with the flow. Just the night before a very similar chain of events took place that allowed me to be in the right place and the right time to capture a 7 minute window of the northern lights peaking out in North Dakota. So here is my learning condescend down to the mantra I mention earlier:
"Where I am is where I'm supposed to be, how it connects to the next moment will remain a mystery to me"
Here are a few pictures from that experience: The silo as I saw it, the storm approaching and breaking. By the way, the shot of the lighting was done by hand, I had tio anticipate when it might strike and hope for the best.
